Tonight, G.I. Joe will be released in theaters at midnight… and I’ll be there. I’m not so much excited for the movie as I am for a new generation of G.I. Joe fans coming into their own.

G.I. Joe was such a huge part of my life. Everything I did was G.I. Joe. I had the toys, watched the cartoons, and dreamed about what it would be like if I was a G.I. Joe… If I wasn’t playing with my G.I. Joes, I was pretending I was a G.I. Joe. I’m not sure if I am really expressing how much G.I. Joe was a crucial part of my life. I LOVE G.I. JOE!

Well… I loved G.I. Joe… until they betrayed me. I will never ever forget the day I experienced my first broken heart… If you are a G.I. Joe fan, then you already know what I’m talking about. The day Hasbro, the toy company that owns G.I. Joe decided to get rid of the G.I. Toys that I loved and made the change back to the “classic” G.I. Joe 12 inch “action figure”. I use the term action figure very loosely. They call it an “action figure”. I call it a “doll”. If you have a toy that is stuffed with cotton, soft and you can change its clothes… you have a doll, not an action figure.

What was Hasbro thinking? “I’ve got an idea… let’s take our hugely successful toy, that millions of impressionable boys love and take them away and replace them with a doll wearing camoflage.”

Great Idea. Instead of toy soldiers they are now selling us Barbie starter kits.

So, here I am, about to have a son… what am I gonna do? I want to introduce him to G.I. Joe. I want to give him a toy that teaches him the way of the warrior, but I can’t give him a G.I. Joe DOLL… I had no other option… until today…

Let me introduce you to the newest, badest, toughest, new action figure on the block.

MOSES.

That’s right, Moses, the “Friend of God”. The man who led the people of God out of slavery into the promised land.

I know what you’re thinking. “Moses? That’s your action figure? The man could barely speak without a stutter? The man is like 100 years old!”

Hey, Don’t let the grey hair, beard and soft eyes fool you. This man is ONE BAD MAN! You think it was easy to lead all those whiners? THIS Moses is RIPPED!

Who needs a 12 inch G.I. Joe doll when I can get my son one of the greatest HEROES IN HISTORY! My son can learn to be tough and sensitive. NICE.

And just when you think this new action figure couldn’t get any better… My son can learn valuable childhood lessons like this:

The only thing that could make this new Moses action figure any more masculine would be giving him the cold, icy stare of… JESUS?